~I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
~I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
~My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
~I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
~Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
~I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
~I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
~I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
~I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
~Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
~Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
~I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."